We’re often taught that listening is the key to a meaningful, expansive conversation.
But I’d like to extend our emotional skillset further – empathy is the key to connection and richer relationships.
Yet isn’t empathy something that’s we’re intrinsically inclined to do? Aren't we taught how to show empathy through lived experience?
Not necessarily so.
In fact, empathy is a skill that must be mastered and cultivated, much like learning an instrument.
This is where Kate Kenfield’s work becomes essential. She’s a sex and relationships educator who works with people of a wide variety of vocations and experiences, empowering them to enhance the way they relate, listen understand and love.

In this episode, we talk about how to show empathy and:

 

The Feelings Cards will help expand your emotional vocabulary.

Buy your set here.

 

Are you interested in learning more from Kate? Be sure to check out her website for information on future Tea and Empathy workshops, and follow her on Instagram too.

Did you love this episode? Follow All We Cannot on Instagram for visual distractions and mini-essays.
If you’d like a bit more commitment, join Well Versed. It’s a weekly e-letter that features new content from All We Cannot Say, and also things to read, watch and listen to, found elsewhere.

 

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Tantra is an ancient art that conjures up a whole range of descriptions.

And as an ancient art, for some its application and meaning is not so easy to grasp.

So what is Tantra?

After 2 years of debating whether I was ready to explore Tantra on this podcast, Sarrah Rose reached out to me on Instagram. With an accessible approach to the esoteric practice, Sarrah Rose makes Tantra easy for the rest of us (but by no means less powerful).

 Confused about Tantra? Here’s a definition that you’ll actually understand.

 

In this episode, we talk about:

  • Eurydice Dixon: how one woman’s death put focus on ‘male rage’ in Australia
  • What is Tantra? Hint: it’s not the Kama Sutra.
  • Yogic Tantra, Tibetan Tantra, Doaist Tantra and Egyptian Tantra - what’ the difference?
  • What is western Tantra?
  • The different sects of Tantra
  • How Tantra helps us explore our shadow selves
  • What is a Jade egg?
  • Semen retention
  • Sexual energy as creative energy
  • How to heal sexual trauma through Tantra
  • What is generational trauma, and how does it affect your life NOW
  • What is somatic experiencing?
  • Who is Tantra for? Couples? Singles?
  • The different types of orgasms
  • How to cultivate deep connections during a casual sex encounter
  • Can you/should you persuade your partner to practice Tantra with you?
  • Science versus religion and spirituality. Can we have both?
  • How to use Tantra to neutralise anger
  • How to regulate your emotions using Tantra
  • Tantric relationships
  • The must-read books you need to start your Tantric journey
  • Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas
  • The link between your jaw and your orgasmic potential
  • Sign up to receive Well Versed, our weekly e-letter. It's like bootcamp for your mind and your heart.

 

Did you love this conversation? Follow All We Cannot Say on Instagram to discover NEW articles and episodes on love, sex, joy and heartbreak.

 

If you found Sarrah’s approach to Tantra resonated with you, check out her new video series Love and Pleasure Activation. It’s a 7 week video course that takes you through your personal blocks preventing you from having the sex and connection you want. Visit her website for more details. 

 

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I'm thankful to live in a time and place where progressive thinking and equality are celebrated. Do you feel the same way? If you do, you might be just as eager to embrace Becoming Cliterate (2017, HarperOne) with both hands (or just one, if you catch my drift).

Dr Laurie Mintz created this resource for people everywhere with clitorises – and those who love them – to fully embrace their orgasmic potential. Because with straight, cis-gendered women receiving the least orgasms, it seems we as a culture have ways to go.

Dr Laurie Mintz is an author, psychologist, a speaker and a professor  whose life’s work has been committed to helping people live more authentic, meaningful, and joyful lives through the art and science of psychology.

Along with Becoming Cliterate, she's also authored  A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship (Adams Media, 2009).

 

In this episode, we explore what Mintz calls the orgasm gap, and explore ways to bridge the hugely unfair divide.

 

In this episode we talk about:

  • What is the orgasm gap?
  • The number one reason women aren’t having enough orgasms
  • Is porn bad?
  • Why penetrative sex does not = female orgasm
  • Why sex education in the US contributes to the orgasm gap
  • Are older women more sexually fulfilled than those below 35?
  • Is foreplay ruining your sex life?
  • What is linguistic genital mutiliation?
  • Basic female anatomy - are you getting it right?
  • Different = deficit
  • G-spot ejaculation
  • Lauren White and the Anti-Tantra Mantra
  • Hugo Schwyzer and anal sex
  • Is there a purpose beyond pleasure for the female orgasm?
  • The Case of the Female Orgasm by Elizabeth Lloyd 
  • The evolution of the clitoris
  • How to express your needs during a casual hook-up
  • The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz
  • How to recover from sexual abuse and reclaim your sexuality
  • Why you absolutely need to stop making penis-sized jokes

 

Dr Laurie has a fabulous blog should you seek further advice and tips.

You can also follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

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I believe in using your voice and tiny lived experienced for endless creation.
And so does Gigi Engle, All We Cannot Say alumni, writer and professional sex educator. It takes a grand supply of chutzpah to be vocal AND heard on the internet, and with the force of her words and audacious attitude, Gigi makes herself heard as a woman standing up for all women.

Haven’t heard of her? It’s a hard moment in our culture to pay attention to anyone with reverence, yet seldom is there someone as noisy. One day she’s penning an article on anal sex for Teen Vogue, the next she’s posting an image of her crystal face roller to Instagram. Both are marked displays of feminist culture in 2018.

Throughout the past year of personal growth and audio exploration, Gigi and I have DMd, sent winky faces, and she’s even vouching for me when I apply for my Masters of Sexology. When I thanked her she told me to shut up because women support women. That’s solidarity.

And that’s why I wanted her back on the podcast. What unfolds between us is typically millennial, somewhat contentious, hilarious and expansive.

 

In this episode we talk about:

 

Find more of Gigi all over the internet - namely Twitter and Instagram. 

 

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On April 11, Trump signed into law two new bills that sex workers say will literally kill them.

The bills - Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act (FOSTA) and Stop Enabling Sex Trafficking Act (SESTA) makes websites liable for the content they publish. This means that many online services - that host adult content are now taking down user websites and user accounts to avoid legal action.

Many online activists - primarily consensual sex workers - have criticised the bill for attacking freedom of speech, saying it does nothing to help sex trafficking victims. Instead, it's erasing their safe spaces where they can advertise their services, share safety resources, and freely express themselves.

And although it might be as late as January 2019 before arrests can be made, these bills have already sent shockwaves across the internet.

One of the websites key to the FOSTA debate was Backpage, an online classifieds site where users frequently – but not primarily – advertised for sexual services. Federal authorities seized Backpage on Monday, two days before Trump even signed the bills, demonstrating that the FBI never really needed FOSTA’s backing to indict the site to begin with.

Now almost two months after the introduction of these new laws, many more websites have shutdown, and sex workers and their supporters have begun to mobilise.

In this episode, we speak to Liara Roux, a sex worker, independent adult media producer and director, a political organizer focused on freedom of expression for adult workers online, and an advocate for decriminalization and protection of consensual adult activity including queer and sex worker rights and safety worldwide.

 

In this episode, we talk about:

  • What is FOSTA/SESTA?
  • Who supports it?
  • Who opposes it?
  • Who does FOSTA/SESTA affect?
  • How automated bots are removing your adult content with very little oversight or human input
  • Why FOSTA and SESTA are about consensual sex work and NOT sex trafficking
  • In what ways does FOSTA and SESTA hurt individuals rather than help them?
  • What is sex trafficking?
  • Should internet companies be responsible for their user content?
  • Where it all started with Kamala Harris and Backpage
  • Relationship dynamics between sex workers and their clients
  • Bounded authenticity and sex work
  • Is sex work authentic?
  • Are all relationships transactional?
  • Class movement and sex work
  • The economics of porn
  • Mindgeek’s crazy monopoly on porn
  • Sex at the margins by Laura Augustin
  • Why criminalising sex work does not help victims of sex trafficking
  • The death of Backpage and Cracker as advertising platforms for consensual sex work
  • The organisation rewarding $25k to sex workers who’ll out congressmen clients who supported FOSTA/SESTA
  • Stormy Daniels, the sex worker attempting to dismantle the US presidency
  • Twitter shadow bans
  • Switter.at, the sex worker alternative to Twitter with over 40k users
  • Temporarily Yours by Elizabeth Bernstein
  • How will sex worker clients be affected by FOSTA/SESTA?
  • Sex Worker Exclusionary Feminism (SWERF)
  • The history of marriage
  • Why and how FOSTA/SESTA has created a seller’s market due to increased risk
  • How can you help sex workers?

 

Want to show your support? Visit survivorsagainstsesta.org

Follow Liara Roux on Twitter for more updates as they unfold.

 

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This particular episode comes at a time when it’s essential to talk about the experiences of sex workers. In the past week, not only was December 17 international day to end violence against sex workers, but December 19 also marked one year since exotic dancer Stacey Tierney died. Stacey's body was found at Dreams Gentlemen’s Club in Melbourne, 12 hours after she was seen partying with several patrons. Her death is believed to be caused by a drug overdose, but no confirmation of this has been made.
 
Because no one has been charged with her highly suspicious death, more than 1300 signatures have been collected to call on Victoria Police to find out what happened.
Sex workers and their allies around the world are outraged, because it normalises a stigma around sex work: that it's inherently dangerous, and that sex workers aren’t entitled to the same workplace safety laws.
 
It’s this kind of prejudice that plays into the myth that sex workers are responsible for crimes committed against them. While there is no evidence yet about how Stacey died, the media diminished her life and her death with salacious speculation about her ‘secret’ life ... which must be heart-breaking for her grieving family and friends who received no closure.
Sex work, and sex workers, DO MATTER. And that’s the message of this episode.
It’s a sentiment that author Lola Davina explores in her self-help book [amazon_textlink asin='0998892068' text='Thriving in Sex Work. ' template='ProductLink' store='allwecannotsa-20' marketplace='US' link_id='8f36fc6f-e6d4-11e7-8edf-09f7dd9b8cec']As a former sex worker, Davina has first-hand insight and advice for staying sane, healthy and happy within an industry that’s so often misunderstood.

In this episode, we talk about mental health and sex work, and:

 
Follow Lola on Twitter.
Sign the petition to demonstrate your support for Stacey Tierney's case.
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Luna Matatas was married once. After a divorce and a sexual renaissance of sorts, she discovered a new-found energy for exploring her sexuality as a curious and empowered woman. Today, she helps singles, couples and new divorcees to traverse new, erotic terrains. From navigating anal sex etiquette, to how using Tinder for a threesome, to pegging and all manner of other taboo activities, this episode explores a wide scope of topics.
 
In this episode, we talk about:
 
  • O School
  • Kate McCombs of Tea and Empathy
  • Sexual renaissance after divorce
  • What makes a bad threesome?
  • What do you need to study to be a sex expert?
  • Sex and the City, Girls and HBO as part of the discursive construction of sexuality
  • Fifty Shades of Grey, erotic literature and pathologising kink as trauma
  • Non-sexual submission and domination
  • Sex as part of creative expression
  • How to use empathy to become a better lover
  • Your biggest erogenous zone - YOUR BRAIN
  • How do you find pleasure outside of instant gratification?
  • What is a fetish?
  • Does 'Don’t yuck my yum’ enable problematic fetishes?
  • Can you ever over-masturbate?
  • How to have an honest and open dialogue about fetishes with your conservative partner
  • What is age play? Is age play unethical?
  • How to use dating apps to find your unicorn
  • Should use a sex worker for your next threesome?
  • 10 things your can do to optimise your dating profile to attract your unicorn
  • How to deal with jealousy during a threesome
  • Where does shame come from?
  • Everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power
  • Body positivity as an empowering tool in the labour force
  • How can men be an ally? 
  • Get your Peg the Patriarchy Panties here.
  • Fuck Like a Goddess - the official underwear.  
  • The rise of anal pay in mainstream media.
  • What makes a body-safe sex toy?
  • Can you put a crystals (yoni eggs) in your vagina?
  • What is Feminine Dominance (femme domme)?
 
You can find more information about Luna’s workshops via her website.
Be sure to follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
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Have you ever stopped to think about where your porn comes from, or if porn actors receive fair pay? These aren’t generally pressing questions for the average porn consumer as they scroll through their search results for a 5-minute clip. But as with all parts of consumer culture, it’s important for us to think about how we can support higher and more ethical production standards.
Euphemia Russell is a pleasure and sexuality educator in Melbourne. In this episode, we spoke to her about the state of the Australian adult entertainment industry, and how we can help to support artistic integrity and fairer production standards.
 

In this episode, we also discuss:

  • The state of Australian sex education
  • The cultural, political and institutional barriers to running a sex education business
  • The state of the porn industry
  • Does ethical porn exist?
  • Why sex work is work
  • The politics of Porn Hub and its heteronormative cis-gendered bias
  • One cup, two girls
  • What really goes on inside the porn industry?
  • Do we need more realistic porn? Is there a place for fantasy in our intimate lives?
  • Porn screenings and safe spaces for understanding public and private perceptions of porn
  • Why we NEED more public spaces to talk about sex safely
  • Row Murray on Episode 23 
  • Kids are watching porn from as young as 8-years-old
  • When is the time educate our kids about safe, consensual sex?
  • Porn tropes and their place in rape culture
  • The demise of high quality porn in the 90s
  • Why you absolutely HAVE to pay for porn
  • Crash Pad Series
  • The problem with ‘feminist' porn and ‘ethical’ porn
  • SWERFs and social exclusion
  • Why do so many straight women love lesbian porn?
  • How you we be better consumers? Vote with your dollars!
  • Visit Pinklabel.tv for loads of high-quality, ethically produced porn
  • Porn actor Jizz Lee
  • Catalyst Con
  • Why is Australia so conservative?
  • Victorian legal frameworks and sex work 
  • #gymtw
  • Sex Worker’s Outreach Program 
  • Estelle Lucas on Episode 17 
  • Why rape fantasies are common - but are they 'normal'?
  • Esther Perel and the concept of a secret garden
  • How to cultivate healthy fantasies
  • Lube is the BEST SEX TOY
  • The difference between oil, silicone and water-based lubes
  • Passionfruit in Richmond, Melbourne
 
Be sure to follow Euphemia’s work on Instagram and Facebook.
 

 

 

 

 

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A low libido is one of the most common sexual complaints for women.   It’s also Lauren White’s area of expertise and her passion. Lauren is a sexologist based in Brisbane, who assists her many satisfied clients to reinvigorate their sexual power and their intimate lives. Through her one-on-one sessions and workshops, she helps women to release their psychological blocks that prevent them from fully stepping into their sexuality.

In this episode we discuss the elusive female libido, as well as:

  • What is Saturn’s return?
  • Studying Sexology at Curtin university
  • Why your late 20s is a huge time of emotional growth
  • Unboxed and ethical sex toy companies
  • The prevalence and significance of orgasm equality in 2017
  • Hormonal contraceptives
  • Why women need to change by ourselves, for ourselves
  • Harvey Weinstein, consent and the #metoo campaign
  • Is everyone else having sex but you?
  • Why the language we use influences your sexual mind-set
  • Quality over quantity, especially between the sheets
  • The danger of silence and assumptions in shaping our belief systems
  • Why communication is key to a healthy sexuality
  • The best way to start a conversation about sex
  • How to foster a safe space for important, sensitive topics
  • What makes soy a huge libido blocker?
  • Alcohol’s effect on your orgasmic capacity
  • How to expand and explore your sexuality
  • Urban Tantra
  • Women's Anatomy by Sherry Winston
  • Vanilla sex and the anti-tantra mantra
  • Is penetration a requisite for sex?
  • The difference between a sexual act and intercourse
  • The joys of non-goal-oriented sex
  • Do our body’s possess an innate wisdom?
  • The ideal time for foreplay - it’s longer than you think
  • Vanessa Muradian of Mia Muse on Yoni Massage 
  • How do you help the woman in your life feel more sexy, confident and in control?
 

 

Want to work with Lauren?

Explore her website to find out how. 

You can also follow her on Instagram.

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It's easy to discount our behaviours as instinctive and unshakeable. The way we think and act is often perplexing, even when we’re at our most self-aware. But what we might not be aware of is that there are different systems for thinking and acting, and with the right tools and mindset, we can learn how to manipulate these systems. The result? More self-control, self-awareness, and the ability to change your life. In this minisode, we’re delving into behavioural psychology, how our unconscious mode of thinking drastically affects our romantic lives, and why we go after the wrong person.

In this episode we talk about:

Did you learn something new and interesting in this episode? Leave us a review on iTunes.

You can also stay up to date with us on Instagram and Facebook.

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